I reached for my phone today, to take a picture of the mess of magazines and papers surrounding me and just as I had it in my grasp, it rang. It was Twilight. Twilight was calling to motivate me, to share with me, to let me know I was not not forgotten and that I won't be because I have something to offer.
This has been the gloomiest of weekends, non-stop rain, and little to no sun and none of the warmth it usually has to give. I accomplished little in the way of overall goals and as usual was feeling a way about it but not so horrible as it can get be it that I did take care of other business like getting my brakes fixed and cleaning up, along with babysitting my nephews and niece etc.
And so it was when I answered the phone a break. I listened. I felt, and as always I thought. My friend was speaking and as he did I realized I was failing. He was offering me theses rich experiences that I wanted to be able to receive reciprocally, but had no new experiences of my own to volunteer, so I was mostly quiet and this let the thoughts of failure creep in.
He said a couple things I wish I could repeat verbatim but all I can remember really is the line "keep telling yourself no" the first part to that was something about people wanting to do all these things they were meant to or would like to do and them turn around and tell themselves no. Either no they can't or no because they need the job they have or no for no sake but they don't do what they really want to. I started questioning why I do this. What is this reluctance to embrace those desires being what makes me, me. How is it that all my life I've loved words, clothes, images but have never really felt I could be a part of that world. What is this notion of outsider-ness that keeps me from being a full time creative. It's as though I haven't created anything when in fact I have and do. Is this the fear factor veering its head again? Is it mostly to do with growing up in a place that only prizes "real" jobs with real money? Or is it that I don't feel I'm good enough at anything to be accepted as part of it?
Who knows, certainly not I but I'm certainly working on it. Twilight closed by telling me time is not real and money is not real. He said creating without thinking about bills is liberating. And all I know is I'm trying to get free. 8:24p.m.
So a person who reads this blog, had this to say to me over the phone instead of actually posting a comment... " yea I just read your blog and it sounds like you need God." He went on to say something about trusting in God but I was like wow, this dude not only knows nothing of the faith I have in anything but doesn't even know me enough to really be considered a friend, let alone question my faith. I'm offend. This same person is an artist, but does not maintain a living as an artist meaning with all this faith he must have, he is still in a similar situation to mine except he makes more money at his "real job". But hey maybe I misunderstood. If that person cares to explain, he should do it in a comment on here, no phone calls about it please.
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